Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts
by arressayy
Summary: Ever wonder why the Hogwarts school song has a few...shall I say, 'weird' lines in it? Here's my explanation, with plenty of humor to go around.


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"Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts…"

Author: Ron's Secret Admirer 

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Rating: PG

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Genre: Humor / General

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Summary: Ever wonder why the Hogwarts school song has a few...shall I say, 'weird' lines in it? Here's my explanation, with plenty of humor to go around.

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Author's Note: Heehee! The idea for this just popped into my head out of nowhere. And who I am to ignore a good plot bunny? So, I dropped everything and wrote this, just for you. Yes, you! Aren't you so happy? --before the reader can respond-- Yes, of course you are.

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Disclaimer: Ownership to any of the characters, places, things, or _songs_ mentioned in this fic are neither claimed nor implied. Copyrights to Harry Potter belong to J.K. Rowling, Warner Bros., and various publishers. I'm just an innocent teenager who's fallen a bit _too_ much in love with Harry Potter. ^_^

Ron's Secret Admirer

Professor Dumbledore stood up at the High Table, and the entire student population of Hogwarts immediately became quiet. An amazing feat, this was. "Attention students! First, welcome, one and all, to a new year here at Hogwarts. I trust certain students have a few surprises up their sleeves-" The Marauders could've sworn their headmaster had glanced at them then, "and I'm sure the Professors do, too." James tuned him out as Dumbledore went over the usual rules, the usual addition of things to Filch's 'Not Allowed' list, and was just starting to wonder when they'd get on with the Welcoming Feast when Professor Dumbledore added something new. 

"Older students will remember well that our old school song was very much out-of-date. Therefore, the staff and I have decided to do away with it. This year, Hogwarts will be holding a song-writing contest. Each and every student is eligible. We ask that you write a new school song for us! The requirements are: 

"One, It must be school-appropriate. Two, you must mention Hogwarts at least once, and three, it must be exactly twelve lines long. That's all! All submissions are due by midnight tomorrow evening. Now, as I'm sure you're all wishing for me to stop talking so that you may eat, I will do just that." Hogwarts's Headmaster smiled warmly and clapped his hands, and, much to the amazement of the first years, the plates filled with food.

Many students were talking excitedly with their friends, or already scribbling their idea of the school song on a spare bit of parchment. The Marauders were not to be excluded, of course.

"Come on guys, I bet we could pull it off!" Remus said excitedly. "And we'll include a bit of Marauder humor, as well."

"Too bad it has to be school-appropriate." James grinned, ducking as a Gryffindor girl their age, Lily Evans, attempted to slap him upside the head. "But anyway, I've got an idea, for the first line at least. Anybody got some parchment?" Sirius dug deep into his pockets and found the parchment, but not before dragging out five Hogwarts Express train tickets ("Memorabilia of my wonderful times at Hogwarts!"), a couple Chocolate Frogs wrappers, and a box of half-full Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. James thanked him, took the quill Remus gave him, and wrote.

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Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,

James paused. "I haven't thought of anything else yet." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh, how _very_ original, James!" 

James glared back. "What, do you have any better ideas?" He smirked when his best friend didn't reply.

As James was all out of ideas at the moment, and the rest of them couldn't think of anything, they agreed to try it some more the next morning. Once they'd finished their meal, the Gryffindor fifth-year boys walked back to their dorm, very full and content.

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"Sirius! Sirius! Wake _up_, Sirius!" James pelted pillow after pillow at the other boy. Remus's bedside clock read 6:30 AM. Remus chuckled as the pillows James had been throwing suddenly started sailing back to him, always hitting him right in the face, no matter where he tried to hide.

"Serves you right, you know I'm not a morning person." Sirius grumbled, climbing out of bed. "Why couldn't you have let me sleep? I need my beauty rest."

"We wanted to get up early and start on the song again, if you don't mind." Peter stuck his tongue out at Sirius.

"Fine, fine, just a minute…"

Ten minutes and a lot of grumbling from Sirius later, the Marauders were seated in a circle in their dorm. Remus pulled out a bit of parchment and a quill and wrote:

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Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,

"…What next? Any ideas?" Remus tapped the quill on the parchment.

"Teach us…something…please?" Sirius thought out loud.

"Okay, that sounds good." 

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Teach us something please,

"No! No! I meant put some word where I said 'something', not the _word_ something!" Sirius exclaimed when he read what Remus had written. 

"Too late. And I like it, anyway." Peter said, and James nodded.

The Marauders lapsed into silence (another amazing feat), then Peter spoke up. "Add – Whether we be old and bald, or young…and climbing trees?"

"Young with scabby knees!" Sirius corrected as the others looked at him strangely. "What's wrong with that? I'll bet a lot of us have scabby knees." They kept staring. "Oh stop it! Remus, just write it down." 

Remus did so. The piece of parchment now read:

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Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts, 

Teach us something please,

Whether we be old and bald

Or young with scabby knees,

"I like it!" James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter said at the same time, then laughed. "Ack!" Peter glanced at his watch. "We've got to hurry to get to breakfast, classes start in twenty minutes!"

They quickly put away their things and hurried downstairs. After all, the Marauders, namely Sirius, are well-known for their animal-like appetites, and there was not a chance that they would miss breakfast!

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Later that day, our group of Gryffindors was to be found hovering over a piece of parchment in Professor Binns's class. Not even bothering to keep quiet, they began adding to their version of the school song.

"I think the next line be 'Although we're all a'hidden', then, 'in this big old castle of ours'." 

"Aw, come on Moony, where's the fun in that? Anyway, we've got four lines so far, out of twelve. How about…'Our heads could do with filling with some interesting stuff'. And…" James paused. "For now they're bare, not covered with hair…?"

Sirius glared. "Honestly, James, you have no poetic sense. Try, 'For now they're bare, and full of air…'"

"Dead flies, and bits of fluff!" Peter added, grinning. 

"Dead flies and fluff? Sounds like the inside of your head, Peter." Remus tapped Peter's head and winked.

"I do not appreciate that!"

"Too bad!"

"Anyway," Peter continued, "Remus, care to write this all down?" Remus jumped, having forgotten his task, and quickly added to the parchment:

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Our heads could do with filling

With some interesting stuff,

For now they're bare and full of air,

Dead flies and bits of fluff,

"Okay, there's the next verse." Sirius nodded with satisfaction, ignoring Lily Evans, sitting next to them, who was clearing her throat and muttering, "I can't believe the Professor doesn't do anything…you boys better listen, he'll get you back for all the times you've spent slacking off in his class someday."

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Soon, History of Magic was over, and the Marauders were unable to add anything to their 'song' until after dinner that evening. "Okay, we've got four lines left." Sirius told James, Peter, and Remus. 

"I've thought of a few things, during the day." Remus said thoughtfully. "Next should be 'So teach us thing worth knowing.' After all, isn't that what we're here for in the first place?" He added this to the other lines on the parchment.

"We usually sing this at the first of the year, right? How about 'Bring back what we've forgot'? I know I forget a lot over the summer, but the teachers seem to think we all have photographic memories and decide it's a good idea to give us a pop quiz on the first day back!" James added.

"Two lines left."

"'Just do your best…and we'll do the rest'? Even though we really won't, it'll encourage the teachers, anyway." Peter suggested. Remus grinned, nodded, and added that as well.

"'And we'll learn until our brains all _rot_!'" Sirius crowed. 

A few minutes later, Remus had printed out the final version. It read:

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Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,

Teach us something please, 

Whether we be old and bald

Or young with scabby knees,

For our heads could do with filling

With some interesting stuff, 

For now they're bare and full of air,

Dead flies and bits of fluff,

So teach us things worth knowing,

Bring back what we've forgot,

Just do your best, we'll do the rest,

And learn until our brains all rot.

-Courtesy of the Marauders

Remus Lupin, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius Black, 1975

"Perfect."

"Excellent."

"Wonderful."

"I LOVE IT!"

"One problem." Remus winced. "It might be helpful it it had a tune to go with it?"

The four boys looked blankly at each other. "How about we just do like we did with the last song and have everyone sing to whatever tune they want? It's much more interesting that way." Sirius shrugged. "And loud, too." With that, he hurried off to add their submission to the box in the Great Hall.

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    "And now, without further ado, I will announce the winning school song." Professor Dumbledore announced cheerfully the next evening. "The professors and I had a hard time deciding, but eventually, we decided this was the best. But first, let us announce the second runner-up."
    He pulled out a sheet of parchment. "In third place…Misses Hannah Langdon, Regana Surron, and Margaret L'orden of Hufflepuff!" The other students clapped politely as the three girls went up, blushing, to shake Dumbledore's hand. 

"Next, the title of second place goes to…Mr. Jonathan Wimble, of Ravenclaw!" A shy, poetic sort of boy (Peter recognized him as a second-year) walked up to the headmaster, shook his hand, and quickly walked back to his seat.

Nearly the entire student body now had their fingers crossed anxiously. "Now, for the first place winner, and the song that will be Hogwarts's official school song…Messrs. James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew, of Gryffindor house!" Sirius and James whooped happily, while Remus and Peter cheered and high-fived. They walked up to the High Table where the Professor was waiting, his eyes twinkling merrily. "I must say, your submission was a very interesting one." The four Gryffindors stood, holding a large trophy, while a wizarding photographer took their picture. "For the Hogwarts Trophy Room!" She said, grinning as well. (Some of the older students might have recognized her as former Gryffindor student Molly Reed.)

The headmaster raised his hand and the clapping subsided. "Now, for the song. Before you all go to bed tonight, I believe we should sing our lovely new school song. After all, music is a beautiful magic." He waved his wand, and ribbony words came streaming out. The students were not surprised to see some of the abnormal phrases – after all, the Marauders were well-known for their wackiness. "Oh yes, boys, you didn't include a tune with your song." Albus said.

"Everyone, pick your favorite tune, and just sing!" Sirius replied, grinning from ear to ear.

And so the school began to sing, and what a racket it was! Several windows had to be repaired by Professor Flitwick, and everyone ended at different times. At last, the Marauders were the only ones still singing, who were belting out their song to a slow funeral march.

Dumbledore dismissed the near-deaf Hogwarts students to bed.

"Now I know why we don't sing the school song every year." Sirius mumbled, rubbing his ears. "Maybe we should've included a tune after all."

"Oh, be a good sport, Sirius! We all know you're the world's worst singer, but you don't have to criticize us for it!" 

"You're gonna get it, Moony!"

James and Peter shook their heads, grinned, and hurried to catch up with Sirius and Remus.


End file.
